The Huberman Cokehead

Sunlight, cold water & packet

In recent years, Andrew Huberman has successfully established himself as a leading science podcaster and ‘the World’s Hardest Ophthalmologist’.

Huberman shares silly-seeming fact-backed biohacks, which do indeed have a profound impact on the quality of a life. But, no sillier does a protocol seem, than if a convert finds themselves educating their partner - with precisely dick-all knowledge to back it up.

Here, the Huberman Husband phenomenon was born. Men of a certain age who live and, despite their best efforts, eventually, die by these science-based tools. Your average Hubey-hubby optimises and increases his time on earth, while making his partner’s life feel much, much, much longer. 

However, there is a new, perhaps, even less credible, subset of HubeTube’s viewership: the Huberman Cokehead. Just like the rest, these young-enough men subscribe to the podcast’s beliefs with evangelical intensity. Translating applied science into bro science with each fluffed mansplanation. 

Just like the rest, these Hubermen go about hammering their meat vehicles into finely-tuned machines. Where the Huberman Cokehead differ is, every so often, drug-driving that machine off a cliff. 

Always preaching that good neurochemical tinkering, but practising the bad kind too. As a result, this generation of paunchy biohackers is never quite in or out of shape - physically or mentally.

Hands bejewelled with FitBit ™, Apple Watch ™ and Oura Ring ™, the Huberman Cokehead always get a second opinion on their gamified well-being. Constantly mapping lowering BPMs in real-time. Before an impromptu bender sees their heart rate scale the dizzying heights of mid-morning tachycardia. 

Huberman Cokeheads - AKA Blow Rogans - harps on and on about the miraculous benefits of nose-breathing. These know-it-somes can only be shut up, physically. Thankfully, partners are offered some respite, when they tape their sanctimonious trap closed.

Each night, YT-trained neuroscientists work on expanding their nasal passages. Before, weeks later, using those same airways for hoovering flinty pub-grub at a noteworthy capacity. 

The Stanford sun priest’s scattier congregants show pious devotion to natural light. These dopamine missionaries stare into the great fireball each morning - kickstarting their circadian cycles and all-round up-and-at-'em.

At 5:30 PM - sharp, strict penitentiary mood-lighting policy is enforced. Coercing loved ones into fumbling around in the black. We all must make sacrifices, in the name of MY sleep. 

However, at the drop of a pill, the fireplace-hung portrait of Dr Andrew Huberman wrestling a grass-fed bull is turned to face the wall. These wreckheads will lose 2 days in the fitful glare of a strobe light. Quite happily, or considerably more so, hocking up months of dopamine in globs and lumps. 

Hungry for results, the Huberman Seshhead is found intermittently intermittent fasting, falling out of feeding windows. Waving off the group maccies order, so as to maintain ketosis, but not the half gram of ketamine that follows. Not doing carbs at the mo. Stuff really KOs me. 

Each weekday, these level-headcases meditate themselves free of all intrusive thoughts. Come the weekend, a joint lowers the drawbridge for a plague of unhelpful considerations.   

Waking up on an unfamiliar floor, but ‘starting your day off right’ with grand-a-year multi-vitamin, Athletic Greens ™. Swilling down Vitamins D (4000iu), EPA (1000mg) and the occasional trampled floor pill (∞☠). 

The Huberman Cokehead is a walking contradiction - who sits for days at a time, talking and snorting. Devoted to neurobiological optimisation, but still partial to brain damage. Rickshawing between healthy and unhealthy living balances out in the end, right, Andy? Old buddy, old chum, tell me it’s so?

Well, at the very least, the Huberman Cokehead is trying.

---

If you liked this… check out:

AI is Reading your Mind

The Crypto Douche

AI Took My Job

5 Phases of a Pillhead

The Magic of the After Party

Great British Coke Habit Part 1