The Crypto Douche
And Why They Won’t Shut Up.
In the real world, Cryptocurrency results in more discrete exits than any other topic. The guy skyjacking a chat with Bitcoin’s trajectory, generally, is left to his own moon-bound predictions. As BTC scrapes around all-time highs, now more than ever, the price of digital tokens is the only thing a crypto douche sees value in.
It is no wonder your average crypto bro can’t HODL their tongue. In the time it took to bore you, his net worth could have plummeted in direct correlation with your attention. Must check coinmarketcap. Crypto has the volatility of a rousted dragon - a helluva ride, certainly, but not without its risks.
As the markets are, essentially, driven by supply and demand dynamics - or so I tell the rift in space-time once occupied by my dinner guest - tokenistas trade the whims of a million other skittish risk-takers.
The same people who thought investing billions in Shiba Inu was a prudent financial decision: a crypto based on a fluffy doggy, based on a crypto based on a fluffy doggy, based on a meme of a fluffy doggy, based on a fluffy doggy. The most fantastical part of the whole shit-coin jamboree is, for many, it was.
Some, at the time, lonely, developer’s, at the time, inside, joke might surge from $0.0000000000002 to $0.0000002. Ladies and gentlemen, we are living in the age of the meme-coin millionaire.
Only in the crypto game can a total novice octuple their money, yet still come away with an incurable sense of loss. Selling too early is just as agonising as selling too late. As the crypto markets don’t sleep, neither do you.
The digital space is no different from the physical. Those full of shit, and themselves, talk the most of both.
Most crypto kids wouldn’t know the first thing about fighting off a Nonce attack with a Fork. The analyses of a Coinbase pro is usually taken from an all-caps thumbnail, never clicked - or a wary story baiting clicks out of a wild tweet. The cryptosphere is crowded with charlatans peddling hunches as prophecy.
Satoshi’s law states as the cocaine supply of a gathering is halved the probability of mentioning Bitcoin exponentially increases. Whereas afterparties were once the think tanks of make-believe tycoons, we’ve now entered the age of the overbearing 5 AM cryptographer. Behold the candour of a man absolutely adamant - coke’s entire emotional range - that a quasi-racist frog coin is the secret to generational wealth. Again, maybe he’s right.
Hopped up on that last glance, thinking about the next, chart-junkies have all the adrenalised boredom of cokeheads. Over breakfast, their long-standing non-crypto partners don’t move for a four-figure overnight gain. Great, honey.
The mainstream reluctance towards crypto’s mad profits is understandable. Most normies’ only exposure is crypto’s mad prophets - or the parabolic parables of a damned journo. Oddly enough, the takes of these near-jobless ol’ cranks are not the same as the global community of breezy teenage retirees.
There’s a difference between sitting on Bitcoin and the shitcoin crapshoot. I hate to say it, but these crypto windbags are right about the deflationary genius of Bitcoin. As governments print more and more currency, inflation is making financial memes out of all our childhood snacks. With only a fixed amount that will ever exist - as your attorney will quote in our future deposition - “long-term, many believe, bitcoin is a relatively safe bet* ”.
For all their hot air, crypto blowhards just want others to share in Bitcoin’s glorious, potential, ascension. But, the more impassioned the plea, the more crypto comes off as a suspiciously triangular business model.
Made-up digi-dosh will always trigger a boomer's scam sensors. Unlike a cordial request for credit card details - or the systematic erosion of their life savings.
Still, there is something especially annoying about crypto douchebags. But, then again, if Bitcoin does hit a million dollars, who's the douchebag, really, them or you?
*This is financial advice**
**This is a joke.
I must admit, some crypto-bros are among the most annoying people I've ever met.
LOL Dig-dosh!! "....if Bitcoin does hit a million dollars, who's the douchebag, really, them or you?" Them. Still. Yes, I will still not be a millionaire but the bit-bros will still be the douchebags, because even if it hits a billion, they have yet to do precisely fuck-all to earn it like all good men and women earn it. Casinos are filled with losers and the Bitcoin casino is filled with keyboard-jockey-losers. No apologies if the idea that contributing to the common good, or making real
things or providing services in order to makes one's bread is too "old school". GREAT piece thanks - I love your writing!