YouTube is the Devil

And I, its Faithful Servant.

The YouTube algorithm deems any eye-gouging thumbnail worthy of my decimated attention - and, apparently, it’s right. I exercise all the discernment of a toilet bowl.

First thing in the morning, last thing at night, I’ll consume whatever titillating slop is belt-fed into view:

His-and-her pranksters miming domestic abuse at their marble breakfast islands. Ha- made you flinch, beb. Low-impact car-crash viewing: “Top 3 RACIST Karens” OR “Top 5 Rizz Moments BUT They Get EVEN More…” I’ll be the judge of that. Droning AI narration on the paternity dispute of a benchwarmer from a sport I don’t know the rules of. Click for the cleavage, stay for the evolution-advancing injuries, and the nagging promise of cleavage.

I don’t discriminate, but the mechanised Kremlin-run clipfarmers, reckon I probably do.

YouTube is jussst testing the waters, like a throw-away comment from a conspiratorial cabbie. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. As I tried explaining to the masked blockade of my Thursday night dance class, my hips’ uneasiness with the salsa does not come from a place of xenophobia.

Either most young British men are odds-on racist, or the internet wants us racist, or - the most uplifting outlook for wider society - I am, in fact, a racist. News to me.

If it’s not the fairer race (in terms of pastiness (not beauty or justness, of course)) being defended, it’s the fairer sex being attacked.

Next up, ambush-podcasts where caffeinated fundamentalists lay into dull Only Fan’s models. The sparkless comeback is clipped as evidence that women should only aspire for sandwich assemblage.

Here we have a 13-minute compilation of brave men fighting back, physically, against the namby-pamby shinguarded liberalism of today. The harmful ideology that ‘men shouldn’t wheelkick unsuspecting mothers-of-three in the temple’.

The right wants to bring back men hitting women. The left wants people who transitioned from male to female legally cage-fighting cisgender women. Maybe, just maybe, intergender violence is the middle ground upon which society can rebuild.

How can I feel anxious watching YouTube videos and still pine for them? Social media hotwires our reward circuitry. Death by a thousand dopamine spikes. Occasionally, something halfway interesting will bob into view, like a sheet of yesterday’s newspaper floating across an open sewer. But you’re still drowning in shit.

Of course, I could just look away, were the sharpest minds of our generation not locked into a billion-dollar arms race for the manipulation of my attention. So, I guess I’ll just keep ignoring the woman I love, for content I hate, while she does the same.

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