Why are Men Friends with Cunts?

A deep dive into the cunt-befriending phenomenon

Most men in their teens or twenties are chummy with at least one fully-fledged cunt. Any boozy interaction with a male social circle will soon uncover one, jeering at some passerby for sport. Over time, guys somehow build up an affectionate tolerance to these cunty tendencies. 

So, why are men friends with cunts? Let’s take a deep dive into the common phenomenon of male cunt-befriending. 

First things first, just because they’re cunts, doesn’t mean they’re cunts to everyone. Very few people are complete cunts. So it goes, even the ugliest of cunt features are usually balanced out with some redeeming ones, too. These other qualities just might not come across in your single messy exchange through a minivan headrest.

Ok, enough playing cunt’s advocate, what about the clear-cut cases?

Well, a cunt’s origin story makes those few in the know way more understanding of their behaviour. Once you know why he is the way he is, you realise it’s not really his fault. No child arrives into this world a fully-formed cunt - with the exception of dictators, serial killers and recruitment consultants. 

This particular cunt might have opened up to his pals in a 24-hour garage forecourt after a noseful of pill shards. Turns out, having come from a long line of them, it’s a small miracle he’s not more of a cunt. Yes, to truly know a cunt, is to love a cunt. 

Chances are man and cunt go way back. These unlikely male friendships are normally formed in secondary school, where being an absolute cunt was an essential skill. No new cunts. A bond reinforced over a thousand pints in the same hometown pub, which remains the cunt’s local to this day. Over the years, this cunt has jibed, grouched and fought his way into their hearts.

As a boy growing up, a cunt in your corner is pretty handy. Cunts build up walls, but, once you're on the right side of them, there’s no safer place to be. Cunts bully bullies. Cunts turn muggings into attempted muggings. Cunts stop teeth getting rearranged by have-a-go hooligans, overzealous doormen and any other practitioners of back-alley orthodontics. When push comes to shove, cunts stick up for their friends. 

In these hectic moments, boys can’t help but become closer to these cunts. After half a dozen formative close shaves, that cunt’s not just any cunt. When another friend questions their behaviour, guys will find themselves defending that cunt’s honour, just as the cunt did theirs. Before they know it - ‘Yes, he’s a cunt, but he’s our cunt’.

For the human race to ward off extinction, every group of dudes must each take responsibility for one cunt. In this way, that generation's quota is dispersed and tempered throughout society. Plus, if all the stray cunts were left to band together in packs, the planet would soon be overrun with recruitment agencies - and nobody wants that. 

So, what becomes of all these non-cunt-on-cunt friendships? 

As everyone makes their own botched attempt at adulthood and responsibilities slowly close in, sadly, there’s less and less time for cunts. Constant cuntishness is tiring and eventually tests the limits of anyone’s loyalty. Something’s got to give: either the shitty behaviour or the friendship.

But, don’t worry, there’s hope for all the cunts out there. Good friends can chide even massive cunts into dicks of manageable proportions. A cunt in love is just not the same cunt. The hormone dump of fatherhood will soften even the hardest cunts. Once a cunt, not necessarily always a cunt. 

So, next time a guy introduces you to a mate of an acquired taste, don’t judge - because cunts need love more than anyone, and, remember, cunts need friends too.