Try Working Out, Dickhead
Lifting THE stigmas around lifting THE weights.
Sorry, I was late this week, my dear wrong’ns, a single night out rendered me poorly for a whole week.
If you’ve never lifted them, you might think weights are heavy things picked up by large, dull people - and, you would be right. Your average lockerroom flexer does develop strength in lieu of a personality. Most muscled gymgoers are boring, by their very nature, as going gym until muscular is boring.
Back at school, the unstoppable force of some dead-eyed bully convinced us that weights are immovable objects. The idea of working out, forever marred by the actions of some overmatured meathead. A no-neck douche with a, theoretically, punchable face, who left a trail of anxiety disorders in his considerable wake.
Decades later, half the Western world is in a sit-down protest against the humiliations of gym class - a protest their lumbar muscles are often too knotted and inflamed to participate in.
In the absence of any human physical activity, unfortunately, we should all simulate natural life in the gym. Or let our bodies atrophy beneath a desk.
I can see why people hate going to the gym - because if you go to the gym, you almost always arrive at a gym. The only environment on earth both rancid and sterile at the same time.
Getting started
First up, please take music, or a podcast, or an audiobook - don’t accept the grim medley of protein-guffs, off-brand house music and ornamental grunts. You’ll never last. David Goggins will tell you “exercising to music is a crutch,” but for Christ’s sakes David, crutches help people walk.
The fitness industry is built on the ruins of New Year’s resolutions. Most newcomers show up, struggle with the idiosyncrasies of a twisty knob, and never come back. Certain they’ll end up the skinny-fat stooge of a spiteful Gym-Tok. Truthfully, I’ve never seen any meanspiritedness at the gym. There’s only one reason a swole of gym brahs might silently wish upon your downfall. That’s when you fairweather pumpers clog up the machines every January.
Another fast track route to failure: people who run up the stairmaster with a Rocky I mentality, but Rocky VIII ligaments. Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey. Or you’ll wrench your shoulder blade off, grasping at that monkey.
Make sure someone shows you the ropes, or you’ll trip over them. YouTube is full of earnest, slightly irritating, trainers, who give great joint-by-joint instructions on not falling flat on your face.
If you are one of the select few people whose entire personality isn’t just a single activity - football, work, writing… - then the gym won’t consume your identity.
Try working out, Dickhead.
If you liked this… check out:
A Fat Person’s Guide to Weight Loss
Try Meditating, Dickhead
5 People in Every Gym
I hope you feel better now, Sam. Take care of yourself.