That ficelle sentence could have come right out of Dickens. The good part of Dickens.
You have a knack for maintaining the flow even though every fifth sentence could be extracted as a powerful stand-alone aphorism, made into a plaque, and stuck up on the wall next to Ma's Bible verses.
"The benefit of the doubt is a precious and finite resource."
hahaha thanks Dr Dave, your praise is straight-up ethereal. I wouldn't dare adorn your wall. Use my words as outhouse doorstop. Wedge them at the threshold of a damp shitter, where they belong. That was my fave bit as well actually
Oh come on! You could start a trend: square joints filled with jam... Or melted chocolate... Think about it. Get the high while satisfying the munchies to come. Oh dear, getting hungry...
You had me at "I" in quotation marks. That imposter self. From the get-go, I know I'm in the right place at the Wrong Channel. What could possibly go wrong? Everything except the writing.
That's very exciting. Got anything nice planned? Ah the Freddo! I don't know how long its been since your last trip, but, be aware, the humble Freddo has become a national barometer for inflation. In my lifetime the Freddo has skyrocketed from 5 pence to 25
You are a terrific writer. Ioved reading this and thought it was wildly witty and had no wasted words. I hope you're considering sending your stories to some magazines. I can see "Times I Got Fired" in the New Yorker, Equire and a bunch of other magazines. It reminds me of Shirley Jackson's short story, "My Life with R.H. Macy."
Aw thank you very much, Sandy! I really bloody appreciate it. I never had much luck submitting to places. I never found a place that liked my style, they were always saying "less complicated sentences", "less word play". So at some point I thought Fuck em, and just started writing for enjoyment. I'm enjoying writing on substack so much, cos I can write exactly what I want, how I want, and send it straight to people who, hopefully, enjoy it. That said, that is all just a defensive reaction to getting rejected so much. I never tried American publications. But, while it would be cool, I don't want to go through the unanswered emails. Maybe one day if they stumble on it so be it
Wouldn't it be wonderful if agents were secretly looking at all the writing on SubStack and suddenly you got a message from a New Yorker agent telling you how interested she is in "Times I Got Fired," etc. (sigh!) Well, we can always dream.
That would be very cool, and I guess it's not impossible. But after just tapping away for a decade, for the love of it, and only sending it to my one mate, I feel pretty content with people reading it
It does remind me of being fired from Sainsburys aged 17 for something or other.
No HR in those days - just an order to complete the day's work marking up prices on goods with me little label-gun (oh yes kiddies this is what we had before scanners).
Mark up prices? Mmmm... quick call to my Mum. "There's a sale on all goods in Sainsbury's today. Come down with the big trolley, I'll tell you which aisles."
haha that, father, is how it's done. You taught me well. I'd drop a sack of baked goods into the centre of a garage full of stoners, and, once they got wind of that buttery fragrance, they were like pirañas
🤣🤣🤣 “The HR-appointed executioner was taking their job of terminating mine very seriously. I took the dismissal better than few others in the multi-millennial history of employment, a dopey grin on my fat face throughout.”
You should’ve murdered your boss and co-workers, made them into donuts and ate them. Then handed the leftovers out to random people. If anyone refuses the donuts - stick their head in the deep fryer!
haha that's a fine idea! The boss didn't look edible. I wouldn't inflict his gristle on the paying public. There colleagues were cool. There was this African dude who laughed a deep, long laugh at the end of every sentence whether it was happy or sad. The sad ones were my favourite "I've got to get out of this place haw haw hawwwwww"
Oh, I have heard of this travesty! To think that such a humble and joyful feature of life could be abused by cynical politicians and their grand economic schemes is shudder worthy. Or it's just me, trying to think of a complicated way to say, I don't care how much it costs, I love chocolate. lol
Yes, festivities include dining with friends, attending a play, having afternoon tea at a fantastic place which was frequented by Oscar Wilde, and who knows what else. The very fact that I am not just passing through the city on my way to the train station this time is enough to make me happy.
haha all these years I had no idea. The song was clearly written by somebody with no first jam pumping experience. You can only pump up the jam, once, on any setting worth its mustard. By the time you pump it up. You can stomp your feet all you want. But the jam is no longer pumping. If it is there'll hardly be a shell of pastry to pump it into. Then, pump it up a little more. Do me a fucking favour will you. Wouldn't last a second in the Kidlington branch
That ficelle sentence could have come right out of Dickens. The good part of Dickens.
You have a knack for maintaining the flow even though every fifth sentence could be extracted as a powerful stand-alone aphorism, made into a plaque, and stuck up on the wall next to Ma's Bible verses.
"The benefit of the doubt is a precious and finite resource."
Amen.
hahaha thanks Dr Dave, your praise is straight-up ethereal. I wouldn't dare adorn your wall. Use my words as outhouse doorstop. Wedge them at the threshold of a damp shitter, where they belong. That was my fave bit as well actually
great idea for a series man. i'm gonna go ahead and get myself fired from a few more jobs before i copy u
thank mate. That's the spirit! You can do it. I believe in you
Wow! I finally get it: pomp Up The Jam was written about that! Love that song. Thanks for the insight my friend.
BTW, if you ever feel like you could use a new skill, namely the ability to roll square joints, I'll be happy to teach you how.
At a thousand donuts a day, 20% boobytrapped, that was one of the largest scales practical jokes/works of low-key corporate espionage ever conducted!
haha there's no chance. I can barely roll a normal one. I was notoriously poor. People would politely refuse them, imagine that
Oh come on! You could start a trend: square joints filled with jam... Or melted chocolate... Think about it. Get the high while satisfying the munchies to come. Oh dear, getting hungry...
haha now that I might just be able to take the psychological hit of
You had me at "I" in quotation marks. That imposter self. From the get-go, I know I'm in the right place at the Wrong Channel. What could possibly go wrong? Everything except the writing.
haha thanks Dr Dave! Ay, I, that old traitor
I think you should legally change your name to Donut Boy.
I would, but I'm a haggard ol' curmudgeonly Donut Man now
One of the best articles yet. Genuinely informative and stuffed to bursting with sweet, gooey puns — "at the roll face" being my personal favourite. x
haha cheers Q-Ball! I was on the fence about the rollface, so I'm glad that tickled your tastebuds
There you go! That's the attitude! BTW, speaking of chocolate, I'm visiting London in about two weeks and CANNOT wait to get some Freddos!
That's very exciting. Got anything nice planned? Ah the Freddo! I don't know how long its been since your last trip, but, be aware, the humble Freddo has become a national barometer for inflation. In my lifetime the Freddo has skyrocketed from 5 pence to 25
Exploding jam donuts is the kind of violence this world needs! Fantastic read.
haha thanks mate. It's probably one of the largest industrial-scale pranks in history
You jad me at “pump up the jam”. 🧡
It's always a pleasure to have you!
You are a terrific writer. Ioved reading this and thought it was wildly witty and had no wasted words. I hope you're considering sending your stories to some magazines. I can see "Times I Got Fired" in the New Yorker, Equire and a bunch of other magazines. It reminds me of Shirley Jackson's short story, "My Life with R.H. Macy."
Aw thank you very much, Sandy! I really bloody appreciate it. I never had much luck submitting to places. I never found a place that liked my style, they were always saying "less complicated sentences", "less word play". So at some point I thought Fuck em, and just started writing for enjoyment. I'm enjoying writing on substack so much, cos I can write exactly what I want, how I want, and send it straight to people who, hopefully, enjoy it. That said, that is all just a defensive reaction to getting rejected so much. I never tried American publications. But, while it would be cool, I don't want to go through the unanswered emails. Maybe one day if they stumble on it so be it
Wouldn't it be wonderful if agents were secretly looking at all the writing on SubStack and suddenly you got a message from a New Yorker agent telling you how interested she is in "Times I Got Fired," etc. (sigh!) Well, we can always dream.
That would be very cool, and I guess it's not impossible. But after just tapping away for a decade, for the love of it, and only sending it to my one mate, I feel pretty content with people reading it
It does remind me of being fired from Sainsburys aged 17 for something or other.
No HR in those days - just an order to complete the day's work marking up prices on goods with me little label-gun (oh yes kiddies this is what we had before scanners).
Mark up prices? Mmmm... quick call to my Mum. "There's a sale on all goods in Sainsbury's today. Come down with the big trolley, I'll tell you which aisles."
haha that, father, is how it's done. You taught me well. I'd drop a sack of baked goods into the centre of a garage full of stoners, and, once they got wind of that buttery fragrance, they were like pirañas
Wish I'd been there to visualise the jammy frenzy with my own eyes.
Not just jam, father. Every pastry known to man who shops at Saisbury's
The kind of thing you'd need a BBC nature crew and David Attenborough to do proper justice to
I'd do it justice with a peephole and a quarter's hour quiet
🤣🤣🤣 “The HR-appointed executioner was taking their job of terminating mine very seriously. I took the dismissal better than few others in the multi-millennial history of employment, a dopey grin on my fat face throughout.”
Thanks Elaine! Glad you liked it
You should’ve murdered your boss and co-workers, made them into donuts and ate them. Then handed the leftovers out to random people. If anyone refuses the donuts - stick their head in the deep fryer!
haha that's a fine idea! The boss didn't look edible. I wouldn't inflict his gristle on the paying public. There colleagues were cool. There was this African dude who laughed a deep, long laugh at the end of every sentence whether it was happy or sad. The sad ones were my favourite "I've got to get out of this place haw haw hawwwwww"
The sad ones were my favorite😂
Oh, I have heard of this travesty! To think that such a humble and joyful feature of life could be abused by cynical politicians and their grand economic schemes is shudder worthy. Or it's just me, trying to think of a complicated way to say, I don't care how much it costs, I love chocolate. lol
Yes, festivities include dining with friends, attending a play, having afternoon tea at a fantastic place which was frequented by Oscar Wilde, and who knows what else. The very fact that I am not just passing through the city on my way to the train station this time is enough to make me happy.
haha the average UK cornership has an excellent choccy selection - and biscuits, we do a fine biscuit - and that's about it.
That sounds delightful, enjoy yourself, mate!
Oh yes! and shortbread! Yum! Thanks for the reminder. Cheers :)
I'm not a fan of shortbread, it's too dry for my tastes. But I respect decision. I only ask you subject it to a thorough dunking
By all means, I shall dunk it to death! But that brings another question: Which bickie would you recommend most?
My favourite biscuits (and the all require dunking a cup of tea) are:
- Chocolate hobnobs (mcvities)
- Foxes Creme Crunch
- Chocolate digestives (mcvities)
Fantastic! Although now I am reminded of the hilarious rant David Mitchell broke into which featured Hobnobs... Cheers mate.
Oh, the jam-pumping secrets, oh the Technotronic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EcjWd-O4jI
I haven't pumped this one up in some while!
The angry young woman says "That's where the party's at, and you find out if you do that" but she never specifies what "that" is.
Now I know that "that" means engaging the starter on an industrial jam-pumping machine in the backroom of a major chain supermarket.
haha all these years I had no idea. The song was clearly written by somebody with no first jam pumping experience. You can only pump up the jam, once, on any setting worth its mustard. By the time you pump it up. You can stomp your feet all you want. But the jam is no longer pumping. If it is there'll hardly be a shell of pastry to pump it into. Then, pump it up a little more. Do me a fucking favour will you. Wouldn't last a second in the Kidlington branch
Don’t mix jam with mustard you amateur
In the dead of night, there is no difference