The UK Votes Hate ☑

👋 By-bye Human Rights👋

Reform UK’s recent lead in the British council elections shows that divisiveness is the only thing that can bring the United Kingdom together.

Easygoing hardliner, Nigel Farage, is standing on an unbalanced platform with exhausted immigrants pinned underneath it.

In a satire of sunny-side-up authoritarianism, Reform pledges freeing the country from the red tape of our own Human Rights. The upfront reason is bad enough:

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, we’re not abolishing human rights, per se… now, with that said, we do need to relieve… them, the immigrants, of their human rights - and, in doing so, naturally, as humans, we will need to adjust… your human rights… per se…”

The straight-shooting manifesto buries a mention of leaving the “European Convention on Human Rights” as “leaving ECHR”.

The Reform manifesto - with my lefty squiggles.

If, like me, you’ve always taken your humanity as a given:

You may not remember the “ECHR” from such classic Human Rights as ‘The Right to Life’, ‘The Right to a Fair Trial’ and ‘Freedom from torture’ and ‘slavery’ - all goodies.

“I’m not having some petticoated, cigarillo-twirling bureaucrat in Brussels telling me the British government can’t imprison, torture and execute me in my own country!”

The rebrand of our civil liberty as a “loophole” is maybe the most dizzying game of political hokey-cokey ever played. Do you know what else is a loophole? A noose.

Making working people feel empowered about surrendering their basic freedoms is terrifyingly brilliant.

I knocked this up, obviously. Well, sadly, maybe not that obviously.

Can no one else feel this anti-establishment financier laughing at them from every billboard?

I'd better enjoy beaming these last few virtue signals across the pond. Now we’ve got our own relatable millionaire smirking out feelgood populism.

A fabricated everyman playing on our worst instincts with the authenticity of a staged game of darts. Suctioning that plunger of a gob around the odd pint doesn’t make you a man of the people.

I do see the appeal of a quite-funny, wannabe geezer with passable alcoholism - I am one. Secreted venom aside, he does seem like a fun hang. The encroachment of unlawful execution: less of a fun hang.

Actually, I think I’ve figured out what Nigel Farage reminds me of:

As a boy, I once saw a dead frog getting laid in my garden pond.

Blissfully unaware, a toad propelled the limp body of its rotwater lover across the still surface. I’m not saying Nigel Farage reminds me of this slippery semi-aquatic cadaver. I’m saying Nigel Farage reminds me of both ends of that amphibious necrophilic jetski.

Yes, he is, of course, the dead frog, eyes cold and lifeless, face fixed in a horrific mask of eternal satisfaction. But Farage also has the personality of the kind of bottom-feeding pondlife which either: made love with a dead frog; or carried on making love with a frog past its mid-coital death - ‘well, as I’m here…’ - or, was so self-absorbed in its own love-making it didn’t notice the frog had died.

Sorry, I know, I know, surface-level scummery breeds surface-level scummery, but now I’ve got the last cross-pond virtue signalling out my system.

So, who is the increasing-less-silent majority voting Reform?

The “Unite the Kingdom” rally - a war cry for multinational racist harmony - saw tens of thousands of Aggro Saxons marching in the name of ‘protecting our culture’ and ‘identity’.

As a White Brit myself, no touchy flagbearer can give me a straight answer on what my own identity is - booze? humour? coke? football? - or exactly how that Eritrean mother-of-three shivering in a dinghy impacts our expression of it. A lot of my mates’ parents moved here a generation ago - and, trust me, immigrants are boatloads of fun.

When the going gets tough, out come the usual punch-down economics and political jazz-handing. It always seems a tad suspicious that those responsible for all of our long-standing economic and societal problems are the poor and powerless who’ve only just shown up.

My expectation is that the choice words of this one smarmy European resident will clear up the deep-seated anger of Britain’s masses. But, for the first time in my life, I’m saddened by my country.

I guess the only downside of democracy is that everyone can vote. If we choose Reform, I am as hopeful for my nation as I am the spawn festering in that dead frog’s uterus.

If you liked this… I’ve never had a reason to write anything else like this. Sorry.