The Case of Peter Vs Jayne

Who is guilty? You be the judge.

If you’re a stickler for context, check out last week’s post ‘The Greatest Put Down in TV History’

Also as there’s lots of video evidence in this one I would recommend reading it on the blog post.


Today, we will go deeper than Peter’s atomic meltdown and unpack all four divisive get-togethers leading up to it (supported with video evidence).

The aim of today’s proceedings is to ensure that justice is served, based on the evidence that will be presented to you - and, ultimately, reach a morally binding verdict on the most juicy and aged of all CDWM TV beefs: the Case of Peter Vs Jane.

Based on the clip below, your mind is likely made up…

But, hold on there…

1. Beef: rare. (Marsh: First Blood)*

A few seconds into their friendship, Jane quips that the only sport Peter - a large individual, at least, by human standards - is aware of is “Pie-eating.” Followed up with the ‘classic’ revolving-pie-conveyer gesture. Peter laughs it off, like he probably has his whole life.

Next, Jayne rubs his Gingham Atlas stone of a gut and calls him “Fatty.” Considering the gravitational sag of his tum-tum, that was way below the belt. I wouldn’t do that to my worst fat enemy** - or my best fat friend*** - let alone an overweight stranger at a dinner party.

She then hugs him with an “I’m joking.” HAHA just joking. That’s page 1 in the school bully's pop-up playbook. Just joking, pal. Don’t you get it? You Fat Cunt.

Afterwards, she smirks “It was a joke… I probably did annoy him a little bit,” with the irritating tone of a misunderstood comedian. Jayne believes her latest petite bon mot was so impossibly witty that nobody, especially Peter, appears to have quite picked up on it. You just called him a pie-eating fatty, mate. But she’s carrying on like some legend of stand-up filibuster-bombing in a dead-end town.

It is to his credit that Peter was “going to comment on her fat arse,” but, mercifully, he “was good.” Particularly, given the devastating megatonnage of his truthbombs.

2. Beef: Medium (Marsh: First Blood Part II)

As the evenings pass, that beef skillet keeps on cooking at a slow sizzle. 

In that way of middle-aged men, Peter has 3 or 4 contentious opinions he wheels out at parties to appear, at least, in his eyes, interesting. 

Case in point: Peter has strongly held views on the abolition of the speed limit. The tired tosh of unabashed F1 fans who would follow Jeremy Clarkson into race day traffic. 

Then there’s his eerie profit-driven approach to love-making - which stands unchallenged as the most conservative opinion ever touted.

After years of only watching his viral rampage, these clips feel like finding the shopping centre Santa unconscious in a puddle of his own making.

Jane can stomach his obtuse opinions, about as much as she can his stomach - and, quite rightfully, puts him in his place. 

Beef: well done (Peter Marsh: Part III)

Our dear Jane is no stranger to pushing the boundaries, of decency, herself.

“I do generally tend to chip in and try to offend and shock as much as I can, (Jane, 2016)”

However, her provocative comic stylings, generally, take the form of hurtful comments about other guests’ appearances (see: “pie-eating” “fatty”).

In her role as the host, Jane compares the well-endowed face of the American student, Adam, to “Beaker from Sesame Street.” As a lifelong dork, I bet that took him straight back to the locker-room towel-floggings of his youth. 

In retaliation, Peter sarcily likens Jane to her look-nothing-alike, Victoria Beckham. While it’s certainly harsh, it's no harsher than Jane’s risque “fatty” icebreaker.

The great teller-of-how-it-is whines to camera “he’s massively taking the mickey out of me, to my face.” A classic case of ‘can dish it out, but can’t swallow it’. The same could be said of her “unadventurous,” lemon posset, if Adam’s to be believed. 

Jane hits back with a three-pronged barb - calling Peter an “older James Corden.” If you’re interested, the third prong is facing the painful possibility that James Corden might reach old age. 

In the timeline of events, it’s important to note the great doppelganger spat of Jane’s mains went down the night before Peter’s. 

In degrees of doneness, the beef is now ready for serving. 

Beef: Overcooked (PeterMarsh)

Here, at Peter’s night, is where the beef boils over - but did Jane crank up the hob? As Peter claimed,  did Jane “ruin” his “night, completely?” 

Well, Jane undeniably carried the sting of yesterday’s Posh Spice burn to Peter’s front door - exhibited here in her sarcastic “can’t wait.”

As the main course comes around, Jane brings up the lighthearted topic of ‘first impressions’. After praising Charlotte, Jane uses the game as a handy device for laying out every one of Peter’s flaws. 

Ok, do me, do me.

My first impression of you Peter was… you portray “ yourself as the person that you want us to see.”

Ok…. so I’m a fraud, essentially.

You’re “a pompous human being,” who “likes the finer things in life.” 

Um when do we get to the second impression bit?

The host is barely holding it, his evening, together. While Jane gets everyone snickering at him and his uppity pepper dispenser. Who’s POSH SPICE now, ‘ey Peter? Boy, the snarky Come Dine With Me narrator really missed a trick there.

Well, as far as party games go, that wasn’t much fun, now, was it? 

“I am telling you, what my opinion is, of you. You might not like it.” Alright, but, why are you doing that, though? If the whole world told each other how it was, the planet would be reduced to ashes and bunkered billionaires within days.

Obviously, Peter is a seismic tosser and an overflowing barrel of smug, but what are you getting out of upsetting him. Especially, over a meal - that he’s made for you. In my honest, biased opinion, Peter’s right - “ripping into someone in somebody else’s home is really appalling.”

Next, Peter launches with “what if someone said to you, you behave like a fat troll, how would it feel to you?” Crikey Petey, that’s a pretty hefty insinuation that someone is a fat troll.

Peter crossed the line with that two-tonne troll implication. But you can’t attack a person’s personality, and then blame that person for taking it personally. It's no surprise he lashed back.

I put it to you Jane tabled the “first impressions” gambit to voice her true feelings about Peter. 

I put it to you that Jane came to the dinner party with that character assassination diarised. 

I put it to you, dear reader - the 1 that’s still reading - that Jane did “ruin” Peter’s “night, completely.”

Final judgment in the case of Peter Vs Jane

On one hand, you’ve got Peter.

Peter projects the unfounded superiority of a man who believes he “would make a very good prime minister,” - but can’t cobble together a half-decent supper. 

On the other, there’s Jane.

Jane is one of those self-identified straight shooters, who uses ‘telling it how it is’ as justification to go around being horrid. 

Oh god, they're both 4th Dan knobbers. A salesman and a policewoman born for their respective fields. Peter’s a twatty old bitch, but Jane’s a run-of-the-mill bully. Over the course of the courses, Jane’s behaviour was less forgivable.

Yet it’s Peter Marsh who will go down as the bottomless laughing stock: the sorest loser in recorded television history - or so they’ll say.

Beef: burnt (Peter Marsh: Last blood)

But, watch his rant again with fresh eyes. 

Really, history has done Peter Marsh a disservice. 

Yes, the man is “ultra-competitive,” and just as deluded, but his last stand wasn’t all about his loss - or even Jane’s win.

Minutes earlier, Jayne had fed his character through a woodchipper at his own dinner table. He’s upset, embarrassed and standing up for himself. 

When all the beef is said and done, we all know, Jane started it, Peter fucking finished it.

Let me know your verdict on the comments.

*I couldn’t decide on beef or rambo-themed chapters.
**Jake Ailon
***Andy Lai